The Tea Party voter guide for Iowa
First, pro-tip for the Tea Party: When you send out a voter guide, spell the names of the candidates correctly.
- Which candidate do you support for President?
- Mitt Romney
- Rick Santorum
- Buddy Roemer
- Michelle [sic] Bachman [sic] (Guys, it’s “Michele Bachmann”)
- Ron Paul
- Newt Gingrich
- Rick Perry
- John [sic] Huntsman (Again, spell-check: It’s “Jon”)
- Other (write in)
Their chosen issues are just a titch terrifying. And putting instructions in all caps makes me think you’re screaming at me.
Wait… this is the Tea Party.
Anyhow, here’s their chosen issues. My comments are in bold and bracketed:
CHECK EVERY ISSUE YOU THINK SHOULD BE INCLUDED IN THE TEA PARTY VOTER GUIDE. YOU CAN CHECK AS MANY AS YOU’D LIKE. WE’LL SEND YOU THE GUIDE JUST BEFORE THE IOWA CAUCUSES.
Balanced budget amendment [You know those wars you are all so fond of? Couldn’t and wouldn’t happen with this.]
Balance budget by reducing spending to a level equal to our tax revenues [We’d be boned. You know who did that, by the way? A Democrat. President Bill Clinton balanced the budget.]
Reduce spending by elimination of waste, fraud and abuse in the Federal Government.
Enact the fair tax. [Cool. So GE is gonna pay taxes? Oh, not that kind of fair tax…]
Enact a consumption tax, IE a national sales tax. [I think you’re looking for “i.e.” - “IE” is the shitty browser most of you likely use.]
Repeal the 16th Amendment (the income tax amendment) [And fund government how? Magic fairy dust?]
Repeal Obamacare [You mean The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act?]
Require any Supreme Court Justice to be prolife [Unbiased, independent judiciary says what?]
Abolish the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals. [Um, no. You guys can’t get rid of a circuit because they made you sad and angry in your face.]
Abolish the Judgeships of activist judges [Hey, that’ll totally guarantee an independent judiciary. That’s not like a dictatorship at all </sarcasm>. Besides, you can’t just abolish their judgeship because reasons.]
Oppose Federal Tort Reform and protect the 7th Amendment (Civil Jury Trials)
Overturn Roe V. Wade
Increase Defense spending to at least the levels in years of the Bush administration. [And yet, you want to cut taxes and get rid of the income tax altogether. Oh, and defense spending under Obama increased. So that would be a decrease. See the chart below. True facts, y’all]
Withdraw from Afghanistan [Hooray rationality!]
Surge troops in Afghanistan so that the Taliban is defeated. [And there it goes. Ask Russia and Britain how the whole Afghanistan thing went.]
Start all foreign aid at zero. [Even Israel?]
Eliminate foreign aid. [Foreign aid = very tiny portion of our budget. Particularly against defense spending. Chart time!]
[Look! You can barely see the green bar!]
Stop Iran from acquiring nuclear weapons. [Probably with magic fairy dust. Because that seems to be the only way to guarantee it. It’s not like Obama just sanctioned the hell out of Iran or anything…]
Work for regime change in Iran through covert action. [It’s not covert now </sarcasm>]
Impose trade sanctions on China [You know that’s where all the shit in Wal-Mart comes from, right?]
Support the Death Penalty [They support it so hard it becomes a proper noun.]
Oppose and defeat the “Internet free speech kill switch.” [Even a broken clock is right twice a day.]
Abolish the EPA [But for the other 1,438 minutes in the day, that broken clock is wrong. Who needs clean air anyhow? Smog builds character.]
Abolish the Department of Education [Book learnin’ is for socialists.]
Abolish the Department of Energy [Who needs safe energy development? Coal mine accidents = job openings, right? </sarcasm>]
Repeal NAFTA and other free trade agreements. [I could deal…]
Increase Free trade agreements. [And there y’all go again with the whole irrationality thing…]
Reinstate Don’t ask Don’t Tell [Why? Because gay soldiers are fighting the War on Christmas, that’s why.]
Leave the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell intact. [You’re just bullshitting me now.]
Work to repeal Gun Control laws and protect the Second Amendment against state restrictions. [Hint: Gun rights expanded under Obama. Guns in federal parks, gun bans struck down in several cities, assault rifle ban NOT reinstated as Obama said it would be, etc. Plus, we just bought a record amount of guns as Christmas gifts this year. I’m going to quit joking about the War on Christmas now.]
Secure the Border [Oh, boy. This one’s always, um, entertaining.]
Have selective removal of illegal aliens [By what? Lottery? Church attendance?]
Remove all illegal aliens. [Because that’s not prohibitively expensive, especially after we get rid of taxes.]
Abolish birthright citizenship. [It’s not like it’s in the US Constitution or anything. Because it is. For supposed strict constitutionalists, you all sure like to dick with the US Constitution.]
Repeal Dodd-Frank [Regulations caused the financial crisis, right?]
Repeal Sarbanes Oxley [This was an act to increase corporate accountability in the wake of Enron and other scandals. Essentially, this means CEOs can be held responsible for fraud or otherwise cooked books. Sounds terrible.]
Repeal oppressive business regulations. [What else is left? The minimum wage? Oh, right… Remember, if things they don’t like aren’t repealed, Tea Party Nation believes business should stop hiring in protest. Really.]
If you’d like to submit your vote, it’s still open. I encourage you to do so.